the feminine and the masculine

I am a Berkeley girl at heart. This means I like to think of myself as a strong independent woman and I live in t-shirts and blue jeans...well that's not all it means, but these two qualities resonant with me right now in considering my masculine and feminine sides.

I like to be comfortable. In Phoenix and LA this meant that I looked sloppy and un-feminine. I didn't like to dressy up "sexy" to go out. Sure I would wear a nicer pair of jeans and perhaps a blouse but you wouldn't every catch me wearing heals at anything other than a wedding! My make regime consists of mascara and a little blush, but not every day and on very special occasions I may add eyeliner and lip color. Jessica once told me I looked "frumpy" in the clothes that I chose to wear. She has said that LA is good for me because it is forcing me to dress a little nicer. Really I feel like I am giving in to peer pressure. I bought a real purse rather than the thai shoulder bag I usually carry. I got a nice haircut with highlights. and with the community that I have been hanging out with I am forced to dress up...literally in costume most times we go out. I have been hanging out with Burners and they go all out every weekend in these sexy revealing costumes that they look great in, but are so NOT me. so I try and I try not to lose my identity. and it make me anxious to think about dressing like that. and I realize I need to be myself. I need to find creativity in my own style. Claire pointed out yesterday that by staying true to my own style, by not conforming to the Burner "uniform" I am probably being truer to the Burner spirit anyway. I can have fun and be playful without being uncomfortable.

Although I consider myself to be fairly independent, I like to feel supported in relationships. Previous relationships have been nurturing, but I felt like my energy was dominant in the relationship, which made me feel less feminine. The man that I was in love with 8 years ago had a very dominant energy and I think that is why I was so stuck on him for so long. Now, I feel taken care of. I feel supported. I don't feel dominated, but I feel like I can settle in a little and let go of control. I like that a lot. It makes me feel feminine. In the past I would have thought of this as a negative thing, but I haven't given up any of my independence or strength to do this. I feel as if I am being met. and it makes me happy and scared and excited.