Clear boundaries, no limits

This year, 2010, I set intentions to have clear boundaries, but no limits:
I will continue to commit to my practice.
I will be free from fear of establishing and re-establishing boundaries.
I will open my heart fully, without limits to my community.


2009 was a challenging year for so many friends. I have heard so often in the last week the phrase "Man, I'm glad that one is over!" and James have remarked many times how this bothers him, that so much was learned and gained last year despite the challenges. Tony also remarked on this last night in class and I think expressed it best, that it was a challenging year and although he would never want to go through it again so much was gained and he can't imagine not having experienced it.

Last year I set the intention to make a commitment to my practice. By diving deep into the physical asana, the philosophy and the movements of my mind I made some very important realizations about myself. The driving force behind making a commitment to my practice was to build community. This was the one of the reasons I chose to do an Immersion in Berkeley at Yoga Kula (Kula = community). Our Kula chose the name Anugraha - meaning Grace that holds on and won't let go - and boy did it hold on to me through some tough, dark places in the late Summer and Fall of this year!
I kept coming back to these qualities of commitment and community in my practice, in my meditation last year, over and over again and through this intention I feel I transformed. My commitment brought me community. This quality of community is something that I am realizing is the most important thing to me right now in my life. I want stability and support and as long as those are present in my life, what I am doing (i.e. my job) doesn't matter so much. I do love my research and want to remain involved in the planetary community, but I find that without the support of a loving, open hearted community, the drive to succeed in science is not enough to sustain me. Eldar was my angel this year, by introducing me to the Dustination community, through which I met James, and by fighting for funding for me so that I can stay here where I feel supported. He has allowed me to find myself a little bit more and reflect on where I want to be and what is important. And so I will continue to try to find funding here, whether it is mission support or grant funding, I want to be stable to continue to build community.
In the challenges that I faced in 2009, my lack of clear boundaries stands out. My commitment to my practice opened my heart beyond what I was expecting and as a result I was very vulnerable. Without the ability to establish boundaries I was left wide open to be hurt and was. And because I had no ability to re-establish those boundaries I continued to hurt and sink, to feel victimized and did not feel justified in feeling angry. It wasn't until Will pointed out something very simple that I realized my issue with boundaries: "Anger is a way of re-establishing your boundaries when they have been violated". This was such an "aha!" moment for me. I realized how much I not only sucked at establishing boundaries, but had no clue how to even begin to establish boundaries. Throughout my life, with my parents, with work, with friends and lovers, I have been afraid to establish boundaries, mostly because I didn't want to disappoint or make that person angry, or worse lose them in my life. With the help of Camilla I realized that this behavior was reinforced when I tried to establish boundaries, I was punished, either by being kicked out or by the person disappearing, or my adviser avoiding me, despite the fact that I was justified in trying to protect myself, asking for what I needed or expressing a displeasure with something.
One of the things I learned in the past year was the kind of people I want in my community, the types of people I want to surround myself with. I was able to have a really awesome open discussion with my mom, which surprised me, I was accepted by friends when I let them know something they were doing was crossing my boundary, and James has validated each and every one of my crazy neurotic feelings...so I think that for all the people the didn't seem to care when they violated my boundaries, there are many in my life who love and care for me and respect my boundaries...these are the people I want to let in.

I am particularly struck again by something that Douglas Brooks said last Summer. he said that we should have "Clear boundaries, but no limits" and in looking for an intention to set this year, in looking at how to apply all that I learned last year,I think this is a good place to start.
Last year was realizing that boundaries are difficult for me
This year I want to use this phrase to free myself from the fear of being emotional, fear of being rejected and judged or not heard - to learn to set boundaries but have no limits in how open my heart can be.
As I realized how important community is to me I want to commit to community and in doing so free myself to make stronger bonds and open my heart to the community. Now that I know I want to stay here, where community is for me, I find I can be more open to them, to love. I do realize that the boundaries I set with protect myself form being too vulnerable, I need to be able to express my boundaries and be free to do so.

So after reflection, I look ahead to the New Year and set my intention and will come back to it again and again so that this year will be as transformational as the last:

This year, 2010, I set intentions to have clear boundaries, but no limits:
I will continue to commit to my practice.
I will be free from fear of establishing and re-establishing boundaries.
I will open my heart fully, without limits to my community.